I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
