can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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