You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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