drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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