Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
