I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
