Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
