I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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