there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize