You made me cry and you don't even care
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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