don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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