woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
