Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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