i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
