If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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