Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
