I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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