I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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