You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
