If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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