i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
