this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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