I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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