Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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