I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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