I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't put those talents on a resume
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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