literally had 100 drinks last night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
