If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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