allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
