Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
