Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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