The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
