You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
