Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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