Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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