Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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