I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
