just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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