Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
