Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
