i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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