I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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