I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize