Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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