when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize