I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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