Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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