I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize