Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
