Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
