He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize