she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
