You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize