We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You pole danced in your parka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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