Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
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