drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
