The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
