I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
