So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
