I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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