Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
