So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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