i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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