you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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