and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
