so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
