Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
