I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Actions speak louder than pants.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
