This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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