you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
