"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
ok first of all what the fuck
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
