You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
