there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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