I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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