Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize