seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
