You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
