I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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