I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
