I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize