Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
