I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
