Welp...herpes.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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